I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
