dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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