i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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