Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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