I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
