I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
nutella sex= disaster
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
