so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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