i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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