i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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