My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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