Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
