The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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