dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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