90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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