I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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