it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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