At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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