I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
