We're like a lot better than the average bears
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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