I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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