Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You pole danced in your parka.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
