just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
