can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
