apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
