I wish I could teleport
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
