Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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