I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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