I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
