Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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