Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
