Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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