Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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