I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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