I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
