I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
