i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
