I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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