remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
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