God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
