I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
