I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
