I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it glows. i had to have it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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