i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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