Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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