Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
