I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
