I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My penis needs a shock collar
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
