i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
