the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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