I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize