i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
