i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
