youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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