She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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