Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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