I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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