mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well I just put wine in my tea
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
