On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
