You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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