I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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